What does a typical night in your head look like?

~12/03/2021~

I guess it never ends but as soon as I get in bed my head starts wondering. My heart starts racing. I start getting cold and dizzy. Figures appear, dark, black silhouettes. The feeling of being raped constantly being replayed over and over, bruises re-appearing as they did 5 years ago, hand prints all over my body on my boobs even though the event was 5 years ago, almost 6.

When I close my eyes in attempt to sleep I feel the weight of 3 guys over me from both assaults as if its all happening again, all over again. Its damaging. I can’t run because the more I try to get away from it the worse it gets. I can’t cry, I can’t breathe . I feel frozen, frozen like back in the moment, numb. Feeling physical pain from losing my virginity and nothing emotionally.

I hear my own screams before I froze. I hear the laughs of the guys, the voices of their communications, their footsteps as they walked away. 5 years on and I re-live it every day, every night, every time I try to sleep.