Self Hatred.

16/11/2021

I try so hard to be happy, that I lose myself. To pretend to most people around me that I am. I fake the self love bullshit, over & over again. It’s not true, it never was, it never is, nor will it ever be. I hate the way I look, hate my body, the way that I look, the way that my face looks when I wake up. The way my face looks after a night of crying, the puffy & red eyes. I hate the way my voice sounds, not just in videos & voice notes, all the fucking time. I hate how my body feels when I touch it, so I avoid it at all costs. I hate showers because it means I have to see myself & touch myself. I hate showers because it takes me back to the nights my happiness were ripped from me. The nights that I scrubbed myself red in disgust. I hate showers because I see & feel my cuts, some of which aren’t healed, the sting. Fills me with more urges, because I deserve it right? The guilt; The anger; That follows. I hate everything about myself & everything about my life.